LWB Community Blog

In This Moment

Last week I took my daughter to see her favorite singer, Taylor Swift, at a concert here in Oklahoma City.  We were laughing and having a wonderful time before the show, and then the lights went down and there was that “moment” that I have experienced over and over again since Anna’s adoption – where I am completely overcome with emotion at getting to be her mom.

For me, these moments often come at the beginning of certain events – her first Disney movie, her first dance recital, the first time she proudly waved to me on stage during a school spelling bee.  Time seems to stand still, and I get a feeling so sharp and piercing in my heart that it brings tears to my eyes and leaves me breathless.

Don’t get me wrong. I have moments like these with the kids I gave birth to as well…..but there is an added intensity with my children who were adopted.  That night during the concert, I tried to sort through some of what I feel when these moments occur. I kept coming back to the realization that someone else carried my daughter in her womb – someone else brought her into this world — and that someone is a person I will never know.  I am getting to share all of the beautiful moments of Anna’s life, but with no way of letting her birthparents know she is doing well.  I have been given this unbelievable gift, with no possible way of expressing the depth of my gratitude to those who gave her life.  How often do they think of her?  It would be impossible for anyone to carry a baby to term and then not wonder if that child was okay.  I would give anything to somehow let them know she has grown into this amazing and beautiful young lady, who is happy and so completely loved.

In moments like these, I can’t help but think of Anna’s beginnings as well.  She was so tiny at her adoption – weighing just 12 pounds, and so sick when we returned home that she ended up in the pediatric ICU days after our arrival to the US.  I think whenever she has times of complete unbridled JOY, like we were sharing together at the concert, I look at her face and am overwhelmed with gratitude that she is here on this earth. It takes my breath away, and I can only lift up thanks to God that I was somehow allowed to share my life with her.  I don’t know what I did to deserve that honor, but I never take it for granted.

How about you?  Do you have moments where it is hard to even take in that you get to be your child’s mom or dad?   Are there certain times or events that trigger those feelings?  Do you think the great “unknown” of birthparents in China adds an extra layer of emotion to adoption from that country?

Amy Eldridge is the Executive Director of LWB and the mom to seven wonderful kids (two from China).

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  • dawn says:

    There are times I am overwhelmed by the feelings I have for Mya. At times it doesn’t seem real that she is our daughter. Why did God bless our family with this beautiful, smart, funny, girl.

    Mya is very verbal about her birth mother. She ‘misses’ her even though she doesn’t remember her. It’s heartbreaking. I cannot imagine the pain her birth mother must feel, especially on her birthday. Mya loves to tell people she has 2 moms….I’m number 2 🙂

  • Michal Dillon says:

    I do think that the unknown of birth parents adds an extra layer! I see Evelyn accomplish something, like tying her shoes or the first time I saw her read a word and I have this little pang, this little stab of pain for her birth mother. That always leads me to thinking about how miraculous it is that she is here with me. That somehow the Universe has conspired to let me be the one that gets to tuck her in at night. I am the one that gets to squeeze her tight and tickle her silly. I am the one that has the great honor of preparing her for the world. THEN I think about all of the hundreds of very specific things that had to happen for me to get this one girl as my daughter and I can get a little panic-y. What if we were DTC one single day later or earlier? What if we had used a different agency? What if…?
    The things that overwhelm me with my love for Evelyn are just little ordinary things. Like finding small piles of little things she has collected from all over the house. Like hearing her feet on the floor above when she is playing in her room. Sometimes she gets frustrated at me because she will be telling me a story and I will get lost in just looking at her in wonder and have no earthly idea what she is talking about (in her mind the worst sin of mama is not keeping tabs on all her conversational gambits). Things like that. They hit me out of the blue and I am left feeling grateful, fortunate, blessed and amazed.

  • annette 7627 says:

    I read this today and I can’t believe how much I
    related to it! I have looked at my now 11 yr.old
    daughter in that same way so many times since we adopted her at 13 months old.I think of her birth parents and I say a prayer for them and hope in some way,somehow that they have this feeling somewhere inside them,-and they just know how very much this child is so very loved! I,then say another prayer and I thank God for bringing her into our life. That Love I feel for her and for Him is so overwhelming!! Amy, thank you for sharing your story and your feelings.

  • shawster says:

    To answer the questions in your closing paragraph? Yes.